14th Cinco de Mayo

I’m an Introverted HSP...May Have to Add This:

Ear Piercing! 🥰

“That wasn’t so bad!” No tears from these tough girlies❣️

Pre-piercing: a little nervous, so they’re holding hands. 💖

It’s OK to be Content

“Why are you crabby?” I’m not crabby. “You’re not happy.” Yes I am.  I’m content. 

This is what my family says to me...that I don’t LOOK happy. Yes, I suppose I should smile more. I do have a resting crabby face. But overall I’m content.  Maybe I’d be considered something negative, but truly I AM CONTENT.  Isn’t that a good place to be?  My family is healthy & happy.  My marriage is good.  My home is good. God is good.  I don’t need to be over the moon.  I am content. 

Children of God

Children are exhausting to me, but I get them. For some reason I can connect to them. In Felicity’s class there is a boy named Logan. He’s always happy and smiley. He doesn’t take life seriously, and I like that about him.  He’ll have plenty of time to be serious. He was my field trip partner one year. We held hands for 5 blocks as we walked to the firehouse with the whole class. Since he’s become my buddy-always giving me high 5’s or a squeeze in the hallway. And always flashes me a smile!

Yesterday was school picture day. Eva is 4 and someone mentioned they knew her mom. She was just about to have her picture taken and immediately started crying due to missing her mommy. She was red-faced and inconsolable...not a good pic to hang on the wall. The helper apologized since she didn’t know how sensitive Eva was about missing her mom. I’ve seen Eva cry everyday her mom drops her off. I get it. I gave Eva a hug and reminded her that she’ll have her picture taken (smile nice so Mommy has a beautiful picture on her wall!), she’ll go have snack, play, have recess, eat lunch, have quiet time and then go home and she’ll have 6 days off until she has to go back to school (MEA wk). I told her I’m nearly 40 and I still miss my mommy, and that’s ok.  She quit fiddling with her necklace, dried her tears, and took a beautiful picture.

Sadey wanted to play on the monkey bars, but couldn’t reach. Her parents were present and I asked if I could help her. With a “go ahead” I lifted her and she monkeyed all the way across. Ever since she gives me a wave and a smile each time we pass.

VBS kids are always sad to leave their moms. But with a kind word, reassurance, a hug (always visible to the crowds so you aren’t violating any rules), and usually a snack, kids feel the reassurance they needed at that moment. They don’t quickly forget it. I find it weird my kids’ friends like me to have lunch with them. They have the funniest conversations and I always get dragged into them. I don’t just visit my child, I visit the whole lunch table, and they love it. Weirdos! 😆

Who was that person when you were a child?  Who listened to you when you needed to be taken seriously, who reassured you when you were down, who gave you a squeeze when you felt empty? Be that person you needed as a child.  It takes a village to raise a child, not just to teach or discipline, but to make them feel loved and special.  I appreciate it when my children express admiration for other adults.

These kids don’t know my name. I’m either Felicity’s mom or Elizabeth’s mom. That’s ok. As long as they see the love of Jesus through me I need no title.

Time Marches On

I work with people of all ages, and the conversations I have with them m got me thinking about ‘time’ and how fast or slow it goes.  To a child summer is SO LONG that they’re ready to go back to school.  In my minds eye I see a child, bursting with energy, running full speed ahead whilst time is dragging them down, holding them back as if a grandfather clock on a string, tied around the child’s middle.

To an elderly person the seasons and years go by so fast they can’t recall the year. This isn’t always due to dementia...sometimes it does go by so fast.  My minds eye again sees an elderly gentleman, cozy in a recliner, as a cartoon alarm clock like something you would see in Looney Toons show, bouncing around the room with its second hand spinning like a top.

So where is it, where we are actually living our timeline equally, marching at a steady pace neck and neck with our time clock?  While raising my young children many people tell me, “the days are long, but the years are short”. Or “these are the best years. Enjoy them!”  Are we so caught up in like and busyness that we forget to live, to pray, to just be?  I don’t know the answer. Maybe all my many questions will be answered when I get home someday, but then again once I get there will it matter?

D E-L J

Obituary for Darren Earl Lee Jackson

Darren Earl Lee Jackson, 23 months old, of Red Lake, MN died on Tuesday, January 2, 2018 at the Red Lake PHS Hospital in Red Lake, MN.

Funeral services will be held at 1:00pm, Wednesday, January 10, 2018 at the Red Lake Community Center in Red Lake, MN. A wake will begin at 2:00pm, Monday, January 8, 2018, at the Red Lake Community Center and will continue until the time of the service. Interment will be at the St. Mary’s Catholic Cemetery in Red Lake, MN under the direction of the Cease Family Funeral Home in Bemidji. 

He was born on February 7, 2016, in Bemidji, MN, the son of Nicole Buffalo. He enjoyed playing and chasing his cat, playing house with his sister, playing basketball, watching football and “The Lazy Song” by Bruno Mars. He loved to eat and play outside. He spent a lot of time with his Grandma Kathleen and Grandpa Curt. He loved being picked up and held, and would be jealous of Grandma holding any babies or even the cat.

He is survived by his: Mother, Nicole Buffalo,
Brothers, Jameson Martin, Gary Jackson Jr., and Jason Jackson,
Sisters, Andrea Martin, Melvina Martin, Cassidy Jackson,
And Chloe Jackson,
Grandparents, Kathleen Buffalo and Curt Desjarlait,
Roselyn Johnson,
Aunts, Michele Buffalo, and Marlene Buffalo, 
Special Cousin, Miranda Buffalo,

He was preceded in death by his cousin Nicholas Benais Buffalo, grandfather Patrick J. Long, great-grandmother Margaret Johnson, great-grandmother Rose Goodwin, great-grandmother Leslie Ann Buffalo Sayers, and great-great grandmother Mary Sayers.

DJ

Obituary for Darren Earl Lee Jackson

Darren Earl Lee Jackson, 23 months old, of Red Lake, MN died on Tuesday, January 2, 2018 at the Red Lake PHS Hospital in Red Lake, MN.

Funeral services will be held at 1:00pm, Wednesday, January 10, 2018 at the Red Lake Community Center in Red Lake, MN. A wake will begin at 2:00pm, Monday, January 8, 2018, at the Red Lake Community Center and will continue until the time of the service. Interment will be at the St. Mary’s Catholic Cemetery in Red Lake, MN under the direction of the Cease Family Funeral Home in Bemidji. 

He was born on February 7, 2016, in Bemidji, MN, the son of Nicole Buffalo. He enjoyed playing and chasing his cat, playing house with his sister, playing basketball, watching football and “The Lazy Song” by Bruno Mars. He loved to eat and play outside. He spent a lot of time with his Grandma Kathleen and Grandpa Curt. He loved being picked up and held, and would be jealous of Grandma holding any babies or even the cat.

He is survived by his: Mother, Nicole Buffalo,
Brothers, Jameson Martin, Gary Jackson Jr., and Jason Jackson,
Sisters, Andrea Martin, Melvina Martin, Cassidy Jackson,
And Chloe Jackson,
Grandparents, Kathleen Buffalo and Curt Desjarlait,
Roselyn Johnson,
Aunts, Michele Buffalo, and Marlene Buffalo, 
Special Cousin, Miranda Buffalo,

He was preceded in death by his cousin Nicholas Benais Buffalo, grandfather Patrick J. Long, great-grandmother Margaret Johnson, great-grandmother Rose Goodwin, great-grandmother Leslie Ann Buffalo Sayers, and great-great grandmother Mary Sayers.

My Heart Hurts

I just found out that a friend of mine had her baby, breech and baby got stuck.  Baby was born brain  dead.  The family of 6 decided to donate baby girl's organs and somewhere a 1 month old little girl got a new heart.

At church we have 2 priests, both middle aged and full of wisdom.  We love them both dearly.  This wkend one priest made the announcement that the other would like to let the congregation know that he was just diagnosed with ALS.  He's going to the Mayo for a 2nd opinion.

Just when things seem to be going so well, you're given more to pray for each day, either in thanksgiving or lifting those up in prayer around you.  Time to just slow down and live.

Dec 10, 2016

Are you Chronically Conflicted? DO you Avoid Conflict? I do...

1. You Fear Disappointing Or Displeasing Anybody

Conflict avoidance is classic people-pleasing behavior. If people-pleasing doesn't sound that bad to you (why would you not want to make other people happy?), we're talking about the extreme here: where a fear of provoking displeasure or negative emotions in others keeps you from expressing yourself or trying to fix issues. Conflict avoidance often comes from a deep fear of pissing anybody off or making them "dislike" you in any way; in the conflict-avoidant person's mind, enduring a bad situation is better than fighting about it and possibly incurring somebody's displeasure.

2. You Pull Conversational Maneuvers To Get Away From Fights

Serial conflict-avoiders will have a series of unconscious manoeuvres to get out of fight situations. Maybe you throw out a joke; maybe you get all passive-aggressive; maybe you leave the room, or deliberately change the subject. But if things start to look like conflict, your immediate reaction is to either get out of the situation or somehow change it so that it's more peaceful, rather than seeing the fight through.

3. You Practice "Gunnysacking"Conflict-avoiding people are often gunnysackers. It's a term from psychology, referring to the practice of silently accumulating grievances, annoyances, and problems as they build up, and then letting them all go in a rush as the "sack" bursts, often completely flooding their target. Gunnysacking is intimately related to conflict avoidance, because it's what happens when you don't resolve things as you go along, and just hold onto them instead. It can also reinforce conflict-avoidant behavior, because after the flood of misery dumps, you may feel absolutely wretched and irrational, and resolve to "be more peaceful" in the future. Cue new gunnysack cycle.

4. You Experienced Bad Conflicts In Your ChildhoodA bit of fighting isn't actually a bad thing. You just have to learn to fight well, and fight respectfully. But conflict-avoidant people tend to have learned, early in their lives, that conflict is a frightening, negative experience to be avoided at all costs, rather than something that can actually resolve problems. Violent fights, irrational parents, conflicts that escalate rapidly into seriously damaging slanging matches: if you've seen a fight go really badly wrong, you'll be inclined to pull away from all possibility of that happening in the future, even if your coworkers are unlikely to pitch a horrific fit if you disagree about a PowerPoint.

5. You Silently Resent That Things Don't Resolve

Here's the thing: in adulthood, some things rarely resolve properly without a good fight, or at least somebody standing up for themselves and asserting their opinion. If you're conflict avoidant, instead of telling your boss they've got your pay wrong and need to fix it, or a boyfriend that their birthday card for your mom was offensive, you'll suffer in silence. Key word "suffer," because the issue at hand won't change if you won't engage in discussion about it, and the same thing will likely happen again. And that's how resentment builds.

6. You've Suffered Injustice And Unfairness Just To Avoid A FightIf you can think of more than one example where avoiding a fight led to a significant disadvantage on your part, you're probably a prime candidate for conflict-avoiding status. Sometimes avoiding conflict is a good idea; if somebody is being irrational, prone to violence, or just needs to be calmed down rather than met with assertive responses, it's a good and diplomatic idea. But you have rights, and if you've let them slip rather than go for a direct confrontation, you're avoiding conflict and costing yourself things in the process. And no, complaining to other people doesn't count as helping a conflict resolve itself.

7. You Have A Fear Of Expressing YourselfThis is tied to #4. Fights are, ultimately, about expressing our own position in ways that may convince the other person that they're wrong. If, however, you've come from an environment where your own views were met with dismissiveness, snorts of derision, serious smack downs, constant criticism, or any other kind of systemic dismantling, you're not going to feel comfortable asserting yourself.

This is also, frankly, a feminist issue. Women, as Jennifer Lawrence pointed out so eloquently in her essay for Lenny Letter about salary negotiations, are supposed to be "nice". We're not supposed to play hardball, step up to criticism, come out guns blazing, or stand our ground. We're culturally expected to couch any self-expression within apology, humility, and gentleness. Being assertive is not part of our set of cultural weapons, but it damn well should be. If you avoid conflict because, on some level, you believe it's not ladylike to get involved in deep, dirty fights, you may be doing yourself a serious disservice.

Getting out of conflict-avoidant patterns is tricky, but there are a lot of psychological guides to getting what you need out of a conflict, from pre-planning your sentences in your head to figuring out how you'd like things to resolve ahead of time. It's all right. A simple verbal confrontation over sandwiches with a barista won't kill you. I promise.

07/07/2017

 Today is the day baby Brooksie would have been born.  December 9th we were 10 wks pregnant when I started to bleed, had an ultrasound to find no heartbeat, started to bleed profusely Dec 10th, and brought to the ER for a D&C.  Obviously we don't know the gender.  I would have liked to have met baby George or Gabriela (my choices for names), but God had a different plan.  Elizabeth talks about Baby Brooksie often and prays for him/her that we'll meet again someday in heaven. One spends a lot of time self reflecting on why things happen.  Until we meet again, sweet baby...

 

Time Stops

Have you ever seen one of those shows where the video is sped up?  Traffic zooms so all you see are streaks of red and yello lights.  The busy streets of places like New York are just a blur of people, pedestrians obeying street lights, all melding into one blur. Nature videos sped up so it shows grass grow, a flower grow, blossom, and die, and the sun rising a setting in a few seconds on screen.

This is how I've always felt when an intense life event occurs.  It's as though time has stopped for me and those affected and we're just standing in the middle of it watching the world go by.  It happened when my great grandma died.  It happened when Dad died. It happened when I gave birth to both of my daughters and as I lost my third.  It doesn't always have to be negative.  Yet my heart cries out for the rest of the world, "SLOW DOWN! Don't you know what could happen to you?"

I'm surprised when it happens, and when it doesn't.  I'm reading a book by Matthew Kelly and when he writes of the time he was diagnosed with cancer it made me realize this dazed feeling he described has happened to me and I can recall each and every time.  It's a very close-to-God moment and must be what heaven is like.  Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere

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My Child Did Exist

Prayer of the Day

Fostering Experience

After 6 months of starting the licensing process, David and I were finally licensed to adopt on 4/20/16.  Our caseworker sent many emails on individual cases and either they weren't a good match (i.e. The child couldn't be with younger children or animals, had a Hx of aggression, etc.) or when we did say "yes" someone else was chosen.  Sept 12th we got the phone call for an emergency placement of a baby boy.  They needed an answer within a 1/2 HR.

We had this little buddy for 9 1/2 wks.  We were warned ahead of time that he may be with us for weeks, months, or even years.  Our caseworker had kids placed in homes for 4 years and going.  This is what I prepared my heart for in regards to our little buddy.  His mom went to court and while we don't know the outcome, she was given visitation and he was moved to a foster home closer to mom.

Baby went from having injuries to being healed.  Eating 10 bottles/day (an extra 300 calories/day for him) to incorporating solids 4x/day and the right amounts of formula.  He would wake every 3 hours at night and cat-napping all day to taking 2 naps/day and sleeping 11 hrs @ night.  We taught him to crawl, pull himself up, feed self fingerfoods, play patty cake & peek-a-boo.  I wish I could have seen his family when they saw him again and how much he changed, including getting his first 2 teeth.

We got into this process to adopt, not foster.  I don't think we'll foster again for a while because it was so hard on the girls to say goodbye.  I had a hard time too, but I know we were there for him for a season.  Many times you just don't know how long a season will last.  Maybe it's a good thing he won't remember us. One less person's feelings hurt.

People gave us such nice compliments, but they gave us too much credit.  "Good for you!"  But I see it like this: what if a mom threw her baby out of a burning building to you to save him.  Would you catch him and care for him if he had no one else?  Absolutely.

This little fella will always have someone praying for him.  I hope the best for him. He touched a lot of lives in a short amount of time.

Sometimes...I Wonder

I love Fiddler on the Roof.  Some days I feel like Tevye:
[to God]
Tevye: I know, I know. We are Your chosen people. But, once in a while, can't You choose someone else?

[to God]

Tevye: Sometimes I think, when it gets too quiet up there, You say to Yourself, "What kind of mischief can I play on My friend Tevye?"

Happy birthday to me--my theme song

We've sung this song so many times in church this past month that I'm claiming it as my goal.  It brings tears to my eyes every time. Love, love, love it. Simple yet sweet.  A good song from my childhood and growing with me. 

Seek ye first the kingdom of God And His righteousness; And all these things shall be added unto you. Hallelu, Hallelujah!
	Ask, and it shall be given unto you; Seek, and you shall find. Knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Hallelu, Hallelujah!
	Man shall not live by bread alone, But by every word That proceeds out from the mouth of God. Hallelu, Hallelujah!

"I Want it Now"

We are such an immediate-gratification type of society. Plus we are bringing up our next generation this way.  I see how irritated ppl get waiting for a cup of coffee @ caribou, how they squeal their tires at a just-turned-green light, how children use the word "now!" (Mine included).

So what can I do to teach myself patience?  I once prayed for patience. Anyone who does this know that God won't just give it to you, but makes you earn/learn it.  So how do I get it?  "Wisdom + understanding=patience" is what Father Chuck told me to pray for in the confessional.  Whew!  I hoped there was a loophole! ;). 

Father mainly said this when I told him I lose my patience with my family--those I'm suppose to love most & help get to heaven, but this can be applied in many situations.  

Now to pray for self control--might as well pray  for the whole bowl of the fruits of the spirit come to think of it!! 

Dad's Tree